How to Talk to Children About Egg Donation

As you plan your journey to parenthood through egg donation, it’s important to also plan how to talk to your future child(ren) about their donor conception.

While it may seem early to think about these conversations, professional medical societies agree that telling donor-conceived children about their conception early in their life has personal, and medical benefits. At SIMPLIFY, we follow this expert guidance, yet we also recognize that sharing is a personal decision for each intended parent. Fortunately, there are many resources available to help start and continue these conversations with your child in age-appropriate and positive ways.

Why Should I Tell My Child They Came From An Egg Donor?

Some parents may feel they can easily keep their child’s origins a secret. After all, infertility and conception are both private matters. However, in practice it’s very difficult to keep egg donation a complete secret. Your child may find out accidentally from a relative or family friend who knows, or even discover it through at-home genetic testing. Studies suggest that accidentally learning about their origins can negatively affect a donor-conceived person. The later in life they learn the truth, the more damaging it can be. On the other hand, studies also show that learning about their conception early on does not seem to negatively impact children.

Additional reasons to tell your child include:

• To encourage honesty, trust, and openness in the family, rather than keeping secrets that can be stressful and damaging

• The child’s right to know about their biological origins

• The importance of having a full and accurate genetic medical history

When Should I Tell My Child About Egg Donation?

In general, experts suggest telling donor-conceived children during their preschool or school-age years. Telling kids early on means they always know the truth about their origins. This way, they have time to absorb the information gradually and accept it as a natural part of their identity and family.

Experts specifically recommend telling children before they go through puberty. During puberty, kids naturally experience questions and doubts about their identity and feelings of belonging or isolation. Discovering their donor conception at this time can add to those confusing feelings.

How Do I Talk to My Child About Being Donor-Conceived?

Keep the information in age-appropriate, manageable ideas. Start with the basics:

• There are many different kinds of families.

• To make a baby, you need three parts: an egg, sperm, and a uterus for the baby to grow.

• Sometimes parents need help to make a baby, if they are missing some of the parts or if theirs don’t work right.

• A kind person helped me/us by giving us the egg I/we needed.

• I/we love you very much, and am/are so grateful to the people who helped so I/we could have you!

Stay positive and proud, while also not making it too much of a big deal - being donor-conceived is just one part of your child’s story. As your child grows up, they may ask more questions about the process, the donor, or their genetics. Think of this as an ongoing conversation, not a one-time discussion.

What if My Child Wants to Know More About the Egg Donor?

It’s natural for donor-conceived children to be curious about the people who contributed to their genetic background. We encourage parents to be open and supportive during this process. Remember, your child’s curiosity does not affect or change your role as their parent.

If your child is interested, you can share any non-identifying information you have from your donor, such as their health history or certain physical or personality traits. Your child may wish to meet or contact the donor. When you choose a donor, discuss with your donor agency/bank to learn the donor’s wishes when it comes to contact, as well as your state’s laws. Your donor may have indicated whether they were open to sharing their identity when the donor-conceived child turns eighteen. If you know your donor’s wishes, be open and honest with your child about the possibility of contacting them. 

Suggested Reading for Talking to Your Child About Egg Donation

Story books are a great way to have this conversation! Here are some suggested books to read with your child:

• Celcer, I. (2007-2019). The Hope & Will Collection (includes books for egg donation, sperm donation, & surrogacy for heterosexual, LGBT+, and single parents)

• Bourne, K. (2002). Sometimes it takes three to make a baby: Explaining egg donor conception to young children (heterosexual couple)

• Nadel, Carolina (2006). Mommy Was Your Tummy Big? (egg donation)

• Patient Bookshelf: Bibliography for children and parents of assisted reproduction (book list from Mental Health Professional Group, a professional group of the ASRM)

In addition, counseling can greatly help families navigating when and how to tell their children about egg donation. Ask your fertility clinic for resources on counselors who specialize in egg donation.

Talking to your children is just another piece of your parenthood journey. We are happy to provide additional resources and guidance for approaching this conversation - contact us today.